When you want a boyfriend to hold onto, but one doesn’t seem to be in sight, head down to your local Goodwill and invest in a $3 flannel. Turns out money can buy happiness, presuming that the person who owned that flannel before you was happy before they died.
If thrifting isn’t your thing, you can find a more pretentious boyfriend material at stores like Urban Outfitters and Abercrombie and Fitch. BONUS: the constant spritzing of cologne in these stores will guarantee that your flannel smells like a boyfriend for years to come.
4. Sports Jersey
A jersey represents classic boyfriend material: the overall message screams, “I’m athletic and a man!” which is exactly the type of superficiality you’re looking for. Plus, the constant scratch from the numeric appliqué is a gentle reminder of the pain that relationship materials will inevitably inflict upon you. Consider a basketball jersey if you’re into tools with nice arms, or toss a football jersey over a pair of leggings to take your boyfriend on-the-go.
Note: If you prefer boyfriend material that screams “douche,” make sure it’s a Tune Squad jersey.
3. Luon, Lycra, Luxtreme, Nulu
Confused? These are the B.S. ingredients that make up Lululemon fabrics. A pair of their leggings will hold your ass tighter than any man ever could. [Let’s pretend that’s a good thing? Unsure.]
If you’re gearing up for a night with The Blind Side and a pint of Skinny Cow, there’s no better boyfriend material than a tied fleece blanket from Jo-Ann Fabrics. If crafting isn’t your thing, check out your local nursing home for one you can borrow [steal].
While I’ve yet to meet a straight man in cashmere [I’ve yet to meet any man in cashmere], this wool from the gods is guaranteed to hold you close forever. Just don’t throw that ish in the dryer, or that forever is for-over.
*This article is satire and should be read as such.