1. Accept that you can never be the president of your beloved university. Sorry, it’s just because the Catholic Church is blatantly sexist. Don’t take it personally.
2. Rely on boys’ dorms for parties, alcohol, fun, basically life. Just be reliant – that’s how women should be anyway, right?
3. Don’t even try to have a party yourself. If you so dare, your rectress will walk down the hallway, come into your room, and preach at you about how shameful it is to have parties (true story).
4. Unlike boys being able to be tight with their RAs, don’t be besties with yours because she might just get you in trouble for being at Feve underage.
5. Accept that boys’ dorms will have a stronger, tight-knit, dorm-wide community, maybe partly due to the fact that they can throw big parties together and have cooler RAs and rectors.
6. Never break parietals in your dorm. The consequences there will be severe. Always stay at your bae’s boy dorm. It’s okay that, every time, you are the one who has to trudge across campus or the quad while lugging your backpack, clothes, toothbrush, hair dryer, bath robe, stuffed animal, and then your dignity in the morning when you are being judged.
7. If you ask Fr. Jenkins about this disparity between boys and girls dorms, be prepared for him to look at you as if you have just declared your atheism. He will say that he was not even aware that these differences even existed and therefore can’t provide any ideas of solutions (another true story – I asked him this after last semester’s town hall meeting).
8. Go Notre Dating – dining hall dates, take it slow… super slow.
9. Alternatively, have random DFMOs at dorm parties or Feve or Finnis, and then never speak to the DFMO again. Said DFMO will assume that making eye contact in the DH, saying hello, or simply acknowledging you is a binding marriage contract.
10. Accept that it is assumed that many women on this campus strive for a Ring by Spring, or just eventually give in and set that goal for yourself. In either case, boys will be careful about leading you on, especially if they don’t have three months salary saved up already.
11. Don’t wonder why 90% of the guest speakers that your professors bring in are men (just my personal experience).
12. Accept that the celebrities on this campus are the football players, and even if female athletes are making just as admirable accomplishments, it is never very big news.
13. Know that friend groups are determined in a huge way by which girls are dating which guys. So, if you don’t have a girlfriend who is hooking up with and/or dating a cool guy in your brother dorm, dorm across the quad, or dorm across campus, good luck finding friends!
*Though the gender disparity on campus is real, this piece itself is satire, and should be read as such.