As That Girl in the study grext for your Friday afternoon midterm is upset about, many college students have already begun to embark on the annual “Spring Break” (alt. pronunciation: “Sprӕng Brӓyk”) pilgrimage. This seasonal migratory phenomenon is embraced by the majority of young academics as a way to make lasting profile pictures, travel the tropics, and experiment with alcohol poisoning before launching their LinkedIn profiles. It also presents the perfect mid-semester opportunity to make sure at least one person in your friend group feels left out because you honestly cannot fit one more person into your grandparent’s bungalow, Becca.
However, if you’re one of those Twenty-Somethings who thinks a Trust Fund is the twenty dollars they invested in a slap bet four months ago, some traditional NameBrand hotspots may be out of your financial reach for SB2K16. Luckily, our experts have come up with some high quality alternatives for you to enjoy back home that will ensure your American Coming-of-Age Manifest Destiny Experience is virtually indistinguishable from that of your friends.
Compare to: PCB, Miami, Punta Cana
Strap on two Wine Bras, whip out your mom’s membership card, and in less time than it takes Martha to check your receipt before you leave, those warehouse fluorescents will seem to mimic a near-equator sunset. Who needs a tropical breeze with that staggering blast of hot air right as you walk in the entrance? Thou hast been transported. Wander through the TV aisle and soak up various scenes of stock-photo bliss. A high resolution palm tree beach! Widescreen jungle vista! A pixelated toucan! And let’s not forget the best part: a scavenger hunt of hors d’oeuvres served in miniature paper cups (like a paper cocktail umbrella, but clearly better) FREE OF CHARGE. Coconuts with straws stuck in them have nothing on this. Once your chest is sufficiently pre-pubescent, seek out a youthful employee to pull down the tent hanging up by the rafters, grab a Kirkland Brand “blanket towel,” and take a well-deserved nap in paradise.
The Johnson’s Couch
Compare to: Cancun, San Diego
A crucial part of Spring Break is sharing it with friends. Why not celebrate with one of your oldest friends AND their entire immediate family? Invite yourself over, head to the living room, and park it on the couch in your bikini. When it starts to get awkward around Day Three, revel in their crippling fear of confrontation and help yourself to seconds at breakfast. Purchase every season of Jersey Shore via On Demand if you’re feeling ironic. Every time Mrs. Johnson wonders “what you’re gonna be up to next year,” simply take your top off and scream. For a more club-like atmosphere in the evenings, challenge the youngest Johnson sibling to see how fast they can flick the lights on and off while you chug the glass of wine everyone else is uncomfortably sipping. With this method, you can still avoid answering your parents’ calls and have no one point out that you haven’t showered all week without breaking the bank.
The Goddamn Rainforest Café
Compare to: Costa Rica; Jamaica; Anywhere with Dense Foliage and Pina Coladas
That’s right. Poisonous dart frogs, relentless spurts of mist, and “locals” your mother would probably shudder to see you interact with—this eating establishment isn’t just for the 4th grade class parties of 1998-2003. Touted as “A Wild Place to Shop and Eat,” this place screams “I may or may not go to third base with that old guy in the Hawaiian shirt at the bar, who knows.” If you aren’t lucky enough to have one of these national landmarks in your immediate area, even better. The time in traffic will mimic your friends’ exotic flights at a fraction of the cost and a 185% improved chance of no screaming children. Don’t even bother making a reservation—it’s a rainforest for crying out loud! Besides, you’re sure to turn all the waiters’ heads in the swimsuit cover-up you found at the back of your sister’s closet (Limited Too, ’04). Allow that cover-up to double as a bib with no sibling remorse—she’s in med school now! Her days of fun are over. This is your moment. If you’re going to risk a venereal disease, it might as well coincide with an evening of scarfing down a Sparkling Volcano dessert to the symphony of snarling jungle animals.
With a little imagination and a lot of alcohol, anyone can achieve the traditional Spring Break experience of their dreams. No matter where you end up this week, just remember that anywhere’s better than your 9:30 class.
*This piece is satirical in nature and should be treated as such. Except for the last sentence. That’s true.*