Breaking: Area Female Looks Tired

Has the infamous epidemic returned to college campuses?

du Mock | Elise Gruneisen | December 10, 2015

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Thursday morning, after giving a final project presentation to her class, junior Amy Thomas was responding to questions from classmates when one Chester Dunne brought to light something that was on everyone’s mind.

“I think you did an excellent job on your presentation, Amy, especially considering that you look as though you’re currently dealing with some sort of ailment, possibly general exhaustion.”

Thomas’s eyes widened in a combination of shock and gratitude. Her voice had been noticeably scratchy during her presentation, and her face lacked that hallmark feminine glow, but no one had been sure enough to name the ailment for what it was.

“I’m just glad someone was willing to let me know how exhausted I am,” Thomas commented to our reporters later, who responded to this pressing matter as soon as word got out. “In between this rigorous presentation, exams next week, my paper due next Monday, and whatever else that may crop up between now and Christmas break, I would never have noticed that I am dead tired. Thank goodness Chester was observant enough to catch that!”

It seems that Amy Thomas is not alone. Men are sporting sweats instead of slacks, and their hair goes unkempt as they roll out of bed two minutes after class has already started. Women’s eyes lack their usual definition and sculpted lashes, and their skin seems less even-toned than before. Some of them are even wearing sweatshirts for as many as four days in a row, opting for comfort over style.

“It is important to keep in mind the signs and symptoms of this ailment as it spreads,” said Martha Brent, a nurse at Notre Dame’s top-notch health center, St. Liam’s. “Some signs to look out for include increased coffee intake, spacing out at random times throughout the day, frequent yawning, and slouched posture.”

Want to avoid the disease this season? Prevention tips include: adequate sleep, drinking plenty of fluids, attempting efficient time management, accepting the probability of failure, and most importantly, understanding that in all of time and space, none of your finals really matter.

*This piece is satirical in nature and should be treated as such. Except for that last part. Keep things in perspective, everyone; Christmas is just around the corner.