College can be hard to navigate as a freshman. Luckily, I have tips to make sure you are the most successful, popular* freshman on campus. You’re welcome.
*Popularity is extremely relevant in college. People care a lot about this.
1. Wear your lanyard around your neck: you will have a statement necklace AND appear more intelligent than your peers who don’t wear it around their neck because of its convenience and easy to use location.
2. Dorm parties part 1: Spend tons of time on your makeup if you’re going to a dorm party. The lighting is usually bright, and the atmosphere is spacious so you want to look your best
3. Dorm parties part 2: Make sure you bring a sweater or heavy covering because it can get pretty cold in dorm rooms due to their superior air ventilation system.
4. Dorm parties part 3: Here at Notre Dame, we don’t have double standards between male and female dorms. Therefore, I highly encourage all female freshmen to also host dorm parties as they go over well and happen all the time.
5. Dorm parties part 4: Be that freshman who brings a red solo cup or beer into the hallway at a dorm party. People think it’s hilarious when it gets shut down. You’ll have a great story and a ton of new friends.
6. Going to off-campus parties: Every party you hear about will be a great time, so only bring money for a cab there and back. Also, you don’t have to pay for alcohol, especially if you’re a guy because #genderequality again. No one has to pay for alcohol! People love sharing.
7. Fever-Michiana’s HOTTEST Night Club: The best days to go to are Fridays. When people say to go on Saturdays they are just trying to mess with you because you are freshmen. Fridays are the time to go.
8. Club Hes: Okay, let’s be honest-Feve is pretty strict with fake IDs, so it’s always better to go to bars like CJ’s or New Finny’s. If that doesn’t work, go to the freshman club, CLUB HES. Located in the middle of campus, it is has a disguise of touchdown Jesus to throw you off course. To be let into the actual club, go up to whoever is manning the front desk and whisper, “I’m here for the Hesburgh Challenge”. They will know what you’re talking about and take you where you need to be.
9. No one else was in a varsity sport in high school, so be sure to bring that up as a bragging point when meeting new people. It’s extremely impressive and rare here. Be sure to wear your high school letter jacket to class to reinforce your impressiveness.
10. You will also be one of the few who did well in high school, so bring up your high school GPA and complain how you received a B+ in one of your classes. Upperclassmen will appreciate how smart and cool you are and will be sympathetic.
11. Loudly talk about how drunk you got on the weekends so people are impressed that you are one of the #coolkids. We are in college, so drinking is rare. You are so cool.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and should be read as such. Seriously, don’t do any of this.