How to be a Woman

The following will help you to be a woman in today's world

du Mock | Bridget Galassini | October 26, 2015

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1. Growing up, always follow your school’s dress code. Later, tell your daughter, niece, sister or cousin to always follow her school’s dress code. Make sure she doesn’t show an inch of collarbone and her knees and shoulders are covered. Explain that girls’ over-sexualized bodies need to be hidden because they distract male students and teachers. Don’t question the message this sends to girls. Accept that if a dress code rule is broken, a girl can be taken out of class, away from learning, to find an outfit that is less distracting to boys.

2. Take sage advice from boys on the Internet. Read articles like “7 Most Underrated Sexy Things That Chicks Wear During Summer” or “What Guys Really Think About Your High-Waisted Shorts.” Throw away your high-waisted shorts because they’re “boner killers.” Go shopping to dress better for boys. Buy yourself some white pants and jean shorts.

3. Say “Thank you!” when a boy tells you that you don’t need to wear makeup for him and that you look perfect without it. Don’t be offended this implies you wear makeup only to look pretty for boys in the first place.

4. Don’t ever leave home without wearing a bra. Your over-sexualized nipples will be visible through your shirt and will be distracting (See #1).

5. Recognize that there is some huge difference between the male nipple and the female nipple, but you just haven’t figured it out yet. This is why you cannot legally take your shirt off on a hot day when a boy can.

6. Shave your armpits and legs and wax your eyebrows for no reason whatsoever, other than the fact that it’s what society tells women to do.

7. Let men assume that you, along with every other woman, desperately want a relationship. Don’t dare to say that some women might just enjoy sex and that many women don’t just strive to have a boyfriend. That would sound ridiculous.

8. Laugh when your cousin tells his brother that he “throws like a girl.”

9. Accept that old, white, male politicians will have the final say in your reproductive healthcare. Never wonder, even for a second, how they know what is best for a female body when they don’t even have vaginas. Whatever they think must be correct.

10. Do not wonder why the burden of contraception falls mainly on you, with more than 15 options for female birth control and only condoms and vasectomies for male birth control.

11. Nod along enthusiastically when you hear insightful advice from academic lectures and daytime talk shows about how women can “have it all.” Do not wonder why the challenge of “having it all” just applies to women, when most men have both a family and a career.

12. Join your “Women’s Group” at work. Go to events like cooking classes, wine and painting and women’s networking. Do not ask why there is no “Men’s Group” at work.

13. When you have a baby, smile and take your paid or unpaid maternity leave. Don’t expect your husband to take paternity leave. Don’t worry about getting behind in your career.

14. Don’t challenge why you will get paid seven percent less than your male counterpart, even after controlling for every other possible variable – university type, GPA, major, experience, age, marital status, occupation, and hours worked. Basically, two workers can be the exact same, except if one is a woman, she will earn seven percent less than the man. But again, don’t worry about that.

Disclaimer: This article is a piece of satire and should be read as such.