That Girl Who Had the Strength to Make Herself Emotionally a...

du Mock | | March 2, 2016

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Commentary: James Maron

Dude. You’re not gonna believe it.

You know that girl from B-Law? The one with a unique set of life experiences that form a complex person of which surface judgments cannot be reasonably made, and the brown ponytail? Well, I bumped into her at a party this weekend, and guess what—she summoned up the inner courage to make herself emotionally and physically vulnerable to me. That’s right. She’s a total slut.

Yes way, bro. Turns out after a few drinks and several hours of internal debate, she just flings aside all her insecurities. Who would have thought, huh? It’s almost like she’s another human being with natural desires.

You should have seen it, man. It was a piece of cake. The moment I naturally positioned myself between her and her friends, cutting her off from outside support, and bored her with small talk for hours, I knew she was gonna run the risk of facing administrative and social consequences and spend the night in my dorm. And she’s great in bed, too, so you know she’s spent TONS of time graciously accommodating the needs of her partners.

God, she must have no self-respect at all.

I’ll tell you one thing, though. Now that she’s given me the vastly understated gift of her body, she’s at the top of my list. Any time I’m seeking pleasure and nothing more, I’ll send her an awkward, blunt text. Or, if I’m feeling really bold, a flash-lit snapchat of my penis that looks like a crime scene photo.

Hey, as a man, I don’t have to worry about being shamed for my urges. It’s like they say: a key that opens every lock is called a master key, while a lock opened by every key is broken, much like a society that uses such a repugnant and simplistic metaphor to explain something as complex as human sexuality.

I’m telling you, bro. Women are so easy.