*Not to be confused with the day the stock market crashed (though there will be equal amounts of chaos)
Great news shoppers! Starting at 12AM on Thursday, November 26, the majority of the retail industry will open its doors, welcoming customers to the sales of a lifetime. In the holiday spirit, stores have decided that the best way to celebrate being thankful for your family is to bond with them by viciously fighting strangers over the last cashmere sweater.
As a representative of Macy’s so candidly explained, “No turkey is as important as the traditional Black Friday shopping event. People should be able to enjoy accidentally elbowing someone in the face while lunging for those fantastic 70% off leather boots as early as they want. There is absolutely no reason to wait til Friday to start shopping!”
Stores are also offering all new discounts-an additional 10% off any marked down item if you steal someone else’s parking space, a free item of your choosing if you trample someone on the way in, and an additional 50% off your entire purchase if you make no additional Thanksgiving plans whatsoever so you could spend your day greedily hunting for material items.
To top off this great news, Thanksgiving is no longer the official holiday of the fourth Thursday in November. Black Thursday is a 48-hour event that spans both Thursday and Friday, leaving no room for Thanksgiving, a meaningless holiday in comparison to the galore of Black Thursday.
This piece is satirical in nature.