An Open Letter to James Bay

du Mock | Caroline Clark | February 4, 2016 SATIRE

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Hi, James Bay (James? Jimmy? JB? Bae?)—

You don’t know me, but your recent album has helped me cope with several recent crises in my life: the senior year job search, the recent loss of my cat, and my endless dessert cravings, to name a few. Well, after another stressful day at school today, I decided to take a fifteen-minute break from homework for some vocal therapy. This is where I board myself up in some random empty room and sing to myself until I either a) feel better or b) cry. Wait, I don’t need to explain this to you. You’re James Bay; you understand.

As I thought of what I wanted to sing during vocal therapy today, your song ”Let It Go” popped into my head, and I decided it was finally time to learn whatever the hell it is that you say in those verses. A quick Google search later, and I had a perfectly timed YouTube lyric video telling me exactly what to sing and when. And so it began….

From walking home and talking loads,
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch and getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you

 OK, James Bay, OK. I feel you. I’ve definitely walked home before, and I have been told that my stories do drag on sometimes. I can also relate to seeing shows in my evening clothes, provided that the “shows” are old episodes of Frasier and by “evening clothes” you mean my Cheshire Cat onesie. And don’t worry; I nervously pet people when I’m drunk, too.

I’m glad we’re really understanding each other.

But now we’re slipping at the edge
Holding something we don’t need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees

Whoa, whoa, whoa. When did we end up on a cliff?! I thought we were just watching Netflix on my futon!?

And what do you mean, you’re “holding something you don’t need?” Ugh, did you go into that little Target dollar section again? I’ve told you before, you can’t go in there and come out empty-handed. Put it back. Those assorted buckets will still be there next week, I swear.

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

I’m sorry, wait. Just for clarity, what is it that you’re letting go of? Oh, it’s me? You’re letting go of me? Well, um, unless you’re Jack and I’m Rose and you’re freezing to death and don’t want me to wake up to your dead body then, yeah, you can “let go.” But if you even think for a SECOND that you might be Rose and I might be Jack and that you’re going to let go of me, then you better scoot your ass over on that little door and pull me up out of the freezing water so we can talk about this for a minute.

Everything that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

Dude, since when has the wind fixed anything? I’m pretty sure it’s the wind that breaks shit in the first place! ABORT, I repeat, ABORT. DO NOT LEAVE ANYTHING TO WIND.

Trying to fit your hand inside of mine
When we know it just don’t belong
There’s no force on earth
Could make it feel right, no

Wait, James, have you not held hands before? It is absolutely not a forceful gesture. You’re doing something wrong. I think you’re just nervous. I would just hold off for now… maybe she’ll go ahead and make the first move.

Whoa

Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay. Calm down. Calm down, James Bay.

Trying to push this problem up the hill
When it’s just too heavy to hold
Think now’s the time to let it slide

Who do you think you are, Sisyphus? Dude, Tartarus isn’t real. You’re fiiiiiine.

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

Well, now you’re just repeating yourself.

Everything that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze

Ackkk, you’re not even listening to me! We already talked about not leaving things to breezes! Why do you think it’s called Gone With the Wind? Haven’t you seen those videos of the wind carrying away children in bouncy houses? That’s how shitty the wind can be!

Let the ashes fall
Forget about me

Ughhh, I’m not just going to forget about you. You’re such a martyr sometimes!

Come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

I swear you’ve already said this. Did you write this down? Are you reading this from somewhere?

And I’ll be me

Okay, James. Fine. You be you. Good luck, buddy.

Love,
Caroline